Three Things in a Marriage More Important Than Love

My grandmother used to tell me when it comes to men, love is never a good enough reason to do anything, anything at all. I used to think what she meant by "anything at all" was sex. As I grew up I came to understand she did in fact mean sex, but she also especially meant marriage.

I loved my first husband. I really did. I loved him for along time. However, she was right loving him was not enough. Honestly, him loving me was not enough either. Grandma believed that trust, communication, and deep desire, were more important in a marriage then love. I'm not entirely sure I agree. However, she might have been right.

 

Communication is what keeps the wheels turning in relationships. If you can't communicate when it's easy and when it's hard, you don't have a snowball's chance in - well you know. Certain topics are hard to talk about no matter what. Money, sex, and issues around kids are hot topic issues that test the skills of the best communicators. It doesn't matter if you are a master litigator or a genius therapist, if you can't talk to your husband about why you don't feel like having doing it on Thursday night or why he won't take out the garbage, you are dead in the water in your marriage.

Trust is a whole different matter. You can't mostly trust or partly trust. You either trust or you don't. Trust is fragile and once it's damaged, it's gone. Maybe not forever, but at least for a long while. Trust can be broken with carelessness, disregard, dishonesty, disloyalty, or any number of a thousand combinations of any of those. Living in a marriage without trust is a waking nightmare. Trust is something you take for granted until you don't have it anymore, so it's well worth preserving because the trouble it takes to get it back may or may not be worth it.

On the topic of "a burning desire", believe me, this is not something you want to hear your grandmother talking about in your preteen years. That said, I believe she was absolutely right. If the chemistry isn't there you don't have much to sustain you for the long haul. Now, many people think chemistry doesn't last for the long haul anyway. There is a perception that the "burning desire" is a trick of nature to lure you into marriage, never to be seen again. However, that doesn't have to be true. If you had it and you lost it you have to find a way to get it back. Otherwise, there's not enough love in the world to keep a marriage strong in the absence of intimacy.

By Lisa Hayes